|Optical Systems, Illumination, Solar Energy, Stray Light, Remote Sensing
Consider a Sacred Cow, in Equilibrium with its Farts
The Holy Grail of Global Warming was first discovered by the magician Tyndall in the nineteenth
century. He found the caloric potential in CO2 and realized that this magic could warm the
earth. Although many magicians tried, they could not get any warming. A special kind of magic
was needed. Many years passed, then the great magicians Manabe and Wetherald made the
next step. They needed a very special kind of computer magic and they had to use the caloric
potential of water vapor as well as CO2. To combine these two caloric potentials they had to go
back to the Spells of the Great Witches of Old and insert the Invocation of Macbeth “Double
Double Toil and Trouble, Fire Burn and Cauldron Bubble”. Using their magical computer model,
they created an Equilibrium Land in which sun was always shining at its 24 hour average value.
This land had a special magical surface that had no heat capacity. They adjusted the sun and
the caloric so that they were always in a sacred balance. When the caloric from CO2 was
increased, the water vapor caloric followed. This was sufficient to heat the surface. Other
magicians learned the technique and created their own magic computer models. They realized
that any gas with caloric could be used to create this warming. They just had to use the right
caloric properties. These were hidden in the spectroscopy contained in the sacred HITRAN
gospels and could not be changed by computer magic. Soon a great list of caloric gases was
created and the spectroscopy was used to reveal how much warming each one could provide.
Then the Great Wizard Hansen appeared and created a magical super computer. He added a
Great Ocean to the Equilibrium Land model. This ocean had very special properties. Unlike a
real ocean, the ocean was flat with a special surface. There was no wind, no waves and no
evaporation. This magical ocean could absorb and store the caloric in layers below its special
surface. Even though the caloric could only work on the magic surface, Hansen created weather
stations that could measure the surface heat using thermometers at eye level where the magic
could be seen.
To demonstrate his magical powers Hansen created a sacred cow that lived in the Equilibrium
Land. This cow was in equilibrium with its farts. Whenever the cow farted, the caloric from the
fart was added to the atmosphere. He created a great magical warming by radiatively forcing the
fart mixture. He started high in the atmosphere and made the farts warm the stratosphere.
Once this warming was fully created he moved the caloric downwards and created the warming
in the troposphere. Then he added more computer magic and made the farts warm the ocean.
The magician Keeling came to help. He added special measurement stations to measure the
fart mixture. Everyone could now see that the temperature increased along with the increase in
the fart concentration. New electronic thermometers in new enclosures were added to replace
the old mercury in glass ones. The new thermometers gave higher readings than the old ones.
To make everything match, the old temperature records were adjusted using a special
homogenization spell to make the old readings match the new. The Equilibrium Land became
warmer. People came to visit the computer model and started to worship the sacred cow. Some
became disciples of Hansen and copied his magic. Then they started to worry that the farts from
the sacred cow were causing too much warming. They consulted the Oracle and read the Divine
Computer Spaghetti Plots that foretold of great warming. To compensate, they began to reduce
the caloric concentration in the Equilibrium Land. Special programs were written to stop
combustion and reduce caloric emissions. The sacred cow was fed a special diet to reduce its
farts. The magic models showed that the sun could be used for replacement heat. Special sun
traps were designed. The disciples made the worshipers of the sacred cow pay to build these
traps. They had to use them to heat their houses and cook their food. However, the sun traps
were not very efficient. Costs kept going up and the time allowed for heating and cooking was
reduced. The worshipers were cold and hungry. There was discontent in the Equilibrium Land.
But the disciples claimed the Divine Right from the Magic Code. The land was warming. The
worshipers had to endure the hardships.
Then one day the Inspector arrived. He was in charge of the magicians and had to make sure
that their powers were real. He looked very carefully at the Hansen computer model. He spent a
lot of time reading the Magic Code that had been created. He had access to the secret error
code characters that told him something was wrong. He looked at the temperature record and
compared it to his own measurements. The Hansen readings were too high. Finally he realized
that the Magic Directory had been corrupted. The Laws of Physics had been over written and
the Second Law of Thermodynamics had been lost. The Inspector had to go back to the Great
Lords of Physics and request a new copy of the Magic Directory. When the Second Law was
restored it changed the magic. Convection and evaporation appeared. There were waves on
the ocean surface. The hidden ocean oscillations were revealed. These changed the ocean
temperature. The evaporation stopped the farts from heating the ocean. The curtain was lifted
from the computer. There was no magic. The caloric had disappeared. The Second Law had
restored the proper heat flow to the surface. Hansen was not a magician, nor were his
disciples. They were banished to the barn with the formerly sacred cow and her farts.
R. Clark, 8/8/19